No Kill I (the punkiest of Star Trek bands) are playing our reunion show Friday, March 27th,1998, at Ye Olde Ironbutterfly (corner of 10th and S St. in beautiful downtown Sacramento).
It's Earth circa late 20th Century in a period 20 years after punk. Set your phasers on "washed up." We were going to be No Kill I: The Motion Picture, but we'll save that one for later.
Oh, and we kicked out the Mugatu and replaced it with the Gorn!
For some godforsaken reason, our close personal friend Tim Foster, wheedled and cajoled Kim to let No Kill I play a spot at Olde Ironsides. It's kind of like Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country when Spock's brother begged, pleaded and finally weaseled the Enterprise to visit God and how Kirk took one look at God, realized God was a big bloated wind-bag cracker and kicked His ass. Well this time, Cap'n Kirk is gonna be fueled by tequila, but God still looks like an ugly old man.
Yeah, the same place that banned us after a pretty uneventful show with the Tiki Men. Kirk hardly broke anything, didn't spit much blood. Both the real girl Yeoman Rand and the transvestite Yeoman Rand were looking quite attractive (quite!). Spock and the Red Suited Expendable Guy were well behaved, and the Mugatu broke nary a thing. I think it was the 3" snot shuttle the captain oh so carefully docked on their new ceiling.We weren't half the problem the Tiki Men were, but that's okay we didn't get paid half as much.
So you might as well show up, drink a bunch of Pabst with us (or bring your own Rigelian Brandy) in the parking lot before the show, and get fall down drunk just like the rest of us. If you're drunk enough, you might even get to play bass.
Show starts at 9:30 pm, and it's $6 which is $10 too high. Of course, we're opening. Then comes The Skirts (the all-girl Deftones); the TroubleMakers (fronted by a 90-year-old man who collects clown cars!!); and finally The Dekes of Hazard (Garth Brooks minus the danger and excitement).
The Dekes of Hazard as bad as Voyager
The TroubleMakers as threatening as Deep Space Nine
The Skirts you know how The Next Generation has fake booze, Guinan, and Will -- same thing
No Kill I: The Wrath of Khim Star Trek just as drunk and pointless as Shatner intended!
Friday, March 27, 9:30 pm Old Ironsides, 10th & S.
Two parts. There's what The Gorn remember (which ain't much) and there's stuff its been told (some of which is conflicting).
The Gorn started off the evening at the U St. Gentleman's Club drinking coffee and whiskey. You know, large cup of AM/PM coffee, and as the Gorn drank it, he'd fill up the difference with whiskey and as the whiskey cooled the coffee, he could drink bigger and better gulps. The whiskey, by the way, was a Christmas gift from Jeri Taylor, executive producer of Star Trek: The Next Generation. The Gorn remember blowing fire, and setting his hand on fire. Then it talked to Chris Sanchez for a bit, got up on stage and told some dumb jokes (none of which it remember). It remember drinking beer from the pitcher, pushing one ceiling tile with it's bass (that fell on its head), falling into the drum kit, and drinking some unknown girl's beer. The Gorn realized it wasn't working, so it packed up its bass to leave. The Gorn remember lying on some street corner with Mike (aka Mike R Mike aka Red Shirt aka Mike from the Bananas) making it get up to walk home, then the Gorn woke up on the backstairs of it's apartment building with the 50-something-year-old State Worker landlady dragging it by its feet to get the Gorn into its apartment. There was a ruckus. It remember yelling something along the lines of "Fuck you lady, I'm moving anyways" and vague impressions of "Take it up with Star Fleet, lady" and possibly "I'm wearing women's underwear" (a favorite taunt of the evening). The landlady said it was an alcohol and drug free building when the Gorn moved in a couple months previous. The Gorn said, "Oh that's okay, I rarely drink." By "rarely" it meant heroic amounts ingested daily.
Then the Gorn woke up at 8 AM, in bed, in women's underwear, with its Gorn suit scattered throughout its apartment, white go-go boots in the kitchen. Its keys sitting on its dresser. Still drunk, the Gorn quickly got dressed and fled to Bill's house not wanting to face its landlady (The Metrons). Not even a hang-over. That's it. End of story. All the Gorn remember.
People it remembers were actually at the show: Mr. Spock (it fell into Spock's drums and pain bring remembrance), Yeoman Rand #1 (vague recollection of her standing next to Gorn on stage), some faceless girl whose beer it took. As far as the Gorn remembers, Red Shirted Expendable Guy, Cap'n Kirk and Yeoman Rand #2 (transvestite) weren't even there.
Part 2: Journey into the Unknown Stuff I know isn't true:
* No jail or at hospital
* Gorn didn't break every light fixture in the place
* No lawsuits from Ironsides
Quote from Chris S., "whot a riot! you rocked like gene simmons on valium and paste running around with hello kitty scizzors! You entertained one and all. I heard you got thrown into jail, and the cops gave you a full on cavity search, and one of the cops lost his rolex, and still cant find it not to mention your toilet is clogged up. I'd check that. Why you aren't richer than Mr. T I'll never know. You are an otterpop in a world of icecubes and don't think that's sexual, cuz it ain't. I think I peed my pants that night. Kim is in love with you."
This next bit, is only what word on the street is (straight from Huggy Bear's mouth). The Gorn mostly yelled. First it got up and told jokes, "What does Yoda say after he has sex? Next!" Tess tried to get it to tell "What's good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust." but it was too drunk to get the punchline. The Gorn yelled "Dick dick dick" at its sister. At some point it went into a drunken falsetto "My name is Kim Kanelos (chief beer pourer at Ironsides) and I'm a big fat fucking bitch. I started the Sacramento music scene back in 1968 and all of you can fuck off and get the hell out of my club." Then it'd punch its bass, stick it into the ceiling, and bounce it off the amp. It knocked off three ceiling panels, breaking one, but it broke a glass and two bottles, finally denting the screen on the $90 mic.
Finally, the Gorn gave up and packed up to go home. It had put its bass away and turned off its amp when Evan the sound guy hissed "Enough!" and turned off the power. Evan pushed the Gorn in the back as it left and probably would have clawed the Gorn's eyes out in the hissy fit but the Gorn didn't notice, so Evan threw the bass amp off the stage and hit some guy named Dave Ninja in the crowd. That wasn't whiney enough, so he threw the keyboard stand off the stage. Basically he showed who's boss although engaging in stereotypical homosexual hairdresser bitchy-fits was pretty funny and opens up all sorts of cheap jokes about his sexual orientation.
The Red Shirted Expendable Guy dragged the Gorn home, stopping by some guy's house hoping the Gorn would pass out and stop the madness. The Gorn spent this precious time swinging his bass at a lowrider 60s Impala full of cholos yelling, "I'm a fag! Kill me! Kill me!" No such luck, the fucker lived. Finally the Gorn was dumped off on its back porch to sleep it off, and that's where the landlady came in. "Take it up with Star Fleet, lady" for all intents and purposes means, "Here's my 30 days notice ma'am."
As for everyone else, most of the crowd milled about outside Ironsides drinking beers. The 93 Rock (now 98 Rock) van drove through the parking lot and was pelted with beers. The driver stopped in the middle of S Street and wisely flipped off the crowd inciting more beer bombs to be launched. He sped off instead of fighting like a man.
The next Monday, the Gorn phoned up Ironsides and asked for No Kill I's money. Kim said, "uh, you uh, were going to be paid uh $250, but I realized that $125 was enough, and uh, that covers the mic you broke." Okay fair enough, why don't you pay for the amp you broke, and give us the mic we paid for. "Uh, you need to talk to Evan at Abstract. You can't have his number, but I'll have him call you." Evan of course, never called. But he did buy a replacement mic for $100 when the mic factory will fix anything for $40. Go figure. Kim won't return anymore calls.
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written in 1998
man Old Ironsides sucks
a zillion years ago when we'd draw,
Kim Kanelos would do stuff like,
Here $250 for the band that opened for No Kill I, and here's $50 for No Kill I"
po box 2414