My Dead Wife, Part XIII



"All you fat-ass bitches better listen..."
- Ghandi (from 'Mahatma Takes Manhattan')

This was it.

I'd been waiting for this moment all my life...I would ask for this person's hand in marriage.

"Uh Phineas, can I talk to you for a sec?" I stuttered.

"Sure...I guess...so, what are we doing here at Chuck E. Cheese's?"

"BECAUSE IT'S HOMOSEXUAL NIGHT!" I screamed over the blaring techno noise.

"Why the hell are you screaming," he hissed.

"THE MUSIC, BABY THE TUNES!!!"

"What fucking music??!!"

Phineas didn't realize that I had prepared a special night for him. My cousin was assistant manager and together we had re-programmed the robot animals.

"IT'S ABOUT TO START...YOU WILL JUST FUCKING DIE WHEN YOU SEE THIS, MAN!"

Oh my God, this was it...

Out walked a Cheetah holding a human brain: "Hi kids, I'm Tit, your host for this evening."

"CHECK OUT THE BRAIN, PHINEAS...MY BRAIN!!!"

"I, Tit, am God and Man. Let me introduce you to my friend, Martinez."

Martinez was my favorite, a bucket of human shit with a cowboy hat: "'member ta brush yer teeth three times a day, varmits, and flossin's good too, I reckon, fer stringin' up pros-itutes an'..."

"You will cease, heretic" screamed Tit, "and drive me to the Mall immediately.. four legs goooood, two legs baaaad...and now, ladies and gentlemen, the toast of the netherworld, Bobby McFerrin!"

"Hi kids," said the brain, "I'm Bobby McFerrin, of supergroup Living Color and the Travelling Willburys."

Children were crying everywhere. The performance continued for one week straight. By day four, a father next to me was eating his own, living, screaming child.

"So Phineas," I said nervously, "will you make an honest man out of me?"


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