Cute Girl Report

A little back ground: These were weekly reports written when I was getting my college boy degree. I'm currently pursuing a career as governer which explains and excuses the drunken spelling. Dave Ninja saved my email reports and compiled 'em into one big mound of crap.

Due to unpopular demand, I've broken this down into month size chunks. Lucky you.


Okay, here's the set-up. I met this girl the first day of school, and then lo and behold she turns out to be in one of my classes. I came home, and started writing the Cute Girl Report up on my roommate's wall. Some days it kinda sucks, and some days it ain't so bad. But it is long and it is text based, and after all, you are just killing time at work or between classes.


Date: Wed, 1 May 1996 20:39:26 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: CG Report May Day

Yesterday, April 30, Kirstin was the first person on the CG list who actually saw the CG. I was walking over to give some friendless computer geek a birthday present, and I saw CG. I stopped to 'tard talk (I've got a pretty heavy retainer-based speech impediment), but Kirstin, not realizing the stalking importance of who I was talking to, blew it and didn't walk over.

May Day

CG was sitting on her royal ass, so I flop down next to her and start withthe rock star stuff. She ate up the Lil Bunnies in Rolling Stone thing,and now I think she's gonna write off me being irritating to me just beingzany and madcap, in the hopes that if I'm ever famous she can name-drop Dave Smith just like Lint, er, I mean Tim Armstrong. Maybe I can work outa rave version of the Lil Bunnies, so we can conquer the rave scene. Andy CBubble asked what the tie-in was with ravers and neo-Pagan summer solstice/Samhain rituals. She denied any knowledge, even after I remindered her of her Spring Rave. Blah, blah, blah.

Date: Mon, 6 May 1996 21:18:05 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Tired Old CG Report Mon. 5/6/96

Today I walk into class looking for a fight, but CG wouldn't put out. She went to 3 (count em) three raves this weekend tying her old record. I try to goad her, but no good--she's developed immunity to the lower levels of irritation that I can put out during class. In fact, she asked me out for drinks, so I got me a CG threesome on Wednesday with her little friend Rain-uh. Menage au Rave chick. I told her I'd be extra obnoxious since she's letting me out of my cage to meat her little friend for some drinky-poos. She asked if I got drunk every night. So if anyone wants to go drink with the CG down her in Friscotown, I'll be posting more info as I get it.

Date: Wed, 8 May 1996 20:38:44 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: CG Report Wed. 5/8

Okay, today CG reminded me about the bar. We're going to some hipster bar on Lower Haight at Filmore (?), if'n anyone wants to go. I know this is late notice, but I've been out drinking and just got home. Oh yeah, this hipster hell hole is called Knock-Knock. Sounds like a place for fags, little girls, and other guys with mustaches.

Date: Thu, 9 May 1996 16:54:43 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: CG Report Wed. 5/8

dave you lucky guy, that's the noc-noc! Be prepared to sit on the floor in a pool of piss and eat stale pretzels! I once saw folk fornicating in the corner at that lovely bar.

Date: Fri, 10 May 1996 12:48:54 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: CG hipster bar report 5/10

Bill, Tim and I started drinking so we wouldn't have to pay bar prices toget drunk. Bill told Avel to show up at the bar, and then we ended up showing up late missing her by about 5 minutes. We found the bar by looking for European motorcycles. When we found a clump of 'em, there we were. We saw Avel though, and ended up drinking with him and some girl. Tim and I ditched Bill and split, then Bill showed up back at the house really drunk. He could hardly walk up the stairs, but he drove himself home. I drove back to that girl's house and we all went to another hipster bar. The entire drive Bill made fun of the girl cause her and Avel were doing a bunch of coke. Once we got to the other hipster bar, Avel realized that we were gonna steal the car, ditching him there, to avoid going to another lame-ass hipster bar. He wouldn't get out of the car, and drove us home mad. Then yesterday I found out while we were out drinking, the girl Avel lives with got shot through the neck after being mugged. She was pretty drunk and didn't realize she got shot for a minute, then walked home to call an ambulance. The bullet missed the important stuff and she's fine except her neck leaks when she drinks (sorry, couldn't help saying that).

BONUS STAR section cause the CG Report has been pretty dismal:

Star is a crazy nekkid dancer who hangs out with us a lot. In fact, dropping her off at work was what made us late to the hipster bar. Bill drank a gallon of milk in an hour to see if it could be done. He finished it, but puked it all back up on the floor of his room so everybody could watch. Star decides she needs more booze, but no one wanted to walk across the street to the liquor store with her. She says, "If someone doesn't go with me, I'm gonna piss right here on Bill's floor." Bill jumped up and said he'd go, but Star said too late. She dropped her pants around her ankles and pissed on the spot Bill had just cleaned the puke from. A lot of piss. Lots and lots of piss. Later she pissed on the front steps to the house. And a couple days ago, we were at Good Guys and it was pretty crowded as it often is. Star was wearing a dress this time, so she only had to spread her legs a little before she let go in front of the computer display.

This weekend Star is being flown to Seattle so she can fuck a fat guy in the ass with her strap-on. She's getting $400 for that one. She's bringing her skink lizard because it's never been out of San Francisco and it would probably enjoy a trip to Seattle.

Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 00:45:12 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: shooting, not CG, but what the hell, I'm drunk

It's Friday and I'm drunk. Gee, what a surprise. Nothing to do with that damn raver, it's just me saying I went and saw the chick with the hole in her neck. I touched a bullet hole today, it was cool. We brought her Brick Shot malt liquor and drank some stuff. Shit, I gotta go talk cock fight with Bill and Brad........

Date: Fri, 24 May 1996 16:44:25 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: CG Report: Ends flaccid, not worth a bang

Yeah, last class and I say, Hey I'm gonna really be annoying and she says yeah whatever, I'm gonna miss not having you in classes anymore. Then nothing, it was review and I sold out the CG report to pay attention in class. Fuck The Man that which makes me pay attention in class.

Other news: I traded my ration of graduation tickets for my weight in beers (7 cases=140 pounds). I'm on beer numero two right now. I also started my alcohol diet wherein I ain't eating no food that which ain't come in a bottle with booze in it. Drunk on two beers. It's gonna be a long weekend.

The other important thing you all should know is June 1 I'm gonna watch ALL five of the Planet of the Apes movies in one sitting. One sitting meaning of course, one sitting. I ain't gonna get up. I'll be trying to drink a case of beer and I'm just gonna eat pork rinds. I'll be wearing a pair of Depends, so when I said one sitting, that's what I meant, damn it. I ain't gonna move until the movies are over. That's when I get up to see the Lizards and Boris the Sprinkler at Gilman. If anybody wants to stop by and see my beer-drinking ape-watching in action, feel free to knock yourself out. If you wanna join me, consider this an open invite.

And now I'm gonna go feed pigeons whiskey soaked in rice to get 'em drunk. Hopefully they'll attack pedestrians and fly into cars.

I can do all this, I got a useless degree and those fucking english majors already snapped up the jobs waiting tables and washing dishes.

Date: Tue, 4 Jun 1996 11:37:02 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Ape Report - First Annual Running of the Apes

I watched ALL five of the Ape movies wearing Depends, eating pork rinds,and drinking lots o' beer. My roommate Devon joined me for the first two, but he drank root beer 'cause he's a straight edge vegan. He not only pissed himself... He said it was just so natural while he was peeing that it just slipped out. After that, he took a shower and didn't really stick around much. No one else would join me, and yes, I did change Depends after filling them with my own urine. The first such incident occured, not in the first movie, but 1 hour into the second movie. The first was the hardest because 26 years of conditioning not to piss myself was hard to overcome. I'd sit on trash bag so as not to leak on Bill's bed, then whip the Depend bomb out the window and smack into the side of the neighbor's house. Surprisingly, there was no leakage, and I didn't even get the special extra-padded overnighters. I did cheat on the vow not to get up. There was a car wreck outside so we all ran out to gawk. Me wearing nothing but Depends (they were dry). I struck a few tasteful poses at the scene and then Tim gave me piggy-back ride running around the cars caught in traffic at the scene. We stuck my diapered butt into a couple cars unfortunate enough to have their windows down--including a mini-van with a family whose dad I almost sat on. I stepped on broken glass and bled on the stairs to the house. Then it was back inside for more ape fun. I passed out for a bit (20 minutes according to Dawna) and whilst I was out, some guy off the street came by with a bag of hardrolls "for the guy in the diaper." Other highlights included a pork rind fight,and an anchovi pizza fight. After the movies I was still ambulatory, and we went and saw Hickey. They were good.

pork rinds and pabst

The Moral: Even with a coupon, Depends are $12.

see youse in hell