The No Kill I

GORN!
(by Ensign Baron von Grizman)

Trekking through space
Chasing some Gorn
Fucking with the Federation
A battle is born
Taken from our ships
Our savage nature calls
Human pitted against Gorn
Who's got the bigger balls?

GORN!
Can't kill Kirk
GORN!
Green fucking jerk!
GORN!
No can do!
GORN!
Fuck you!

So we fight in an arena
Amuse some fucking gods
But this is Captain Kirk
Not some fucking dog
Gorn coming for me
Like some fucking snail
Death to humanity
If I should fail.

GORN!
Can't kill Kirk
GORN!
Green fucking jerk!
GORN!
No can do!
GORN!
Fuck you!

How 'bout a little chemistry
Sulfur and coal
Diamonds down the shoot
Blow him a new hole!
Hissing like a Sleastack
The lizard king is torn
Green motherfucker just got whacked!
Toot my fucking horn!

GORN!
Can't kill Kirk
GORN!
Green fucking jerk!
GORN!
No can do!
GORN!
Fuck you

No Kill I Theme
(Stuff in quotes means the other geeks besides the Cap'n sing. And you KNOW we're geeks)

Travellin' through space
Egg on my face
Travellin' world to world
Tryin' to find a girl

Chorus (where the Mugatu doesn't play and wanders off in search of booze because he's an alcoholic which was funny ten years ago when he was 5 foot tall and 21 with braces, but now he's only a pathetic drunken midget. You think I'm kidding, don't you?):

On a five year mission
(No Kill I)
To the center of a green-skinned girl æææ (No Kill I)
Travellin' time and space for thrills
(No Kill I)
Got my phaser set on kill æ
(No Kill I)

Travellin' through time
One thing on my mind
Couldn't kill my labido
With a photon torpedo

Chorus

Bridge:
But space can be a lonely place indeed
Even a ship captain has certain needs
Please don't leave me all alone,
I'll die
No Kill I
Travellin' through space
Egg on my face
Travellin' world to world
Tryin' to find a girl

Chorus

Starfleet Up My Butt

In the Horsehead Nebula
They're always horsing around
This life of discipline
Is getting me down
No one on this planet
Will ever notice me
The life of a commander
Is one of misery

Chorus: Starfleet up my butt (X4)

They always have a good time
On Rigel One
Oh, but I never get
To have any fun
Five years away from home now
And I hardly get paid
I can't even remember
The last time I got laid

Chorus

Regulan Bloodworm

Scream like a Regulan bloodworm
Cry like a tribble in heat
Fly to a library planet
Die on a time-travelled street

Chorus: Captain's log

Fire up warp ten Mr Scotty
Let's get the fuck outta dodge
Bring up a signal Uhura
We'll stay at an Econolodge

Chorus

Death by photon torpedo
Sulu set phasers on kill
If those Romulans ever get near us
They'll kill us, they will they will

Alien Baby

Out here in space holding hands
Exchange secretions from my swollen glans
I was just lookin' for fun
I set my phaser for stun

Chorus (stolen from the Ramones):
She's my alien baby X3
Alien baby, yeah

Never thought there'd be much to a kiss
Never thought you'd be someone I'd miss
Your eyes and shimmering skin
I knew I was taken in

Chorus

I knew I knew I knew

Sex Kirk

Kirk don't know
what's his sex
Kirk's got no friends
vicious kirk
Kirk with tits
and foot-long dicks

This song is swiped from Sewer Trout. It's about the final episode where Kirk is trapped in the chick's body, and we learn the very valuable lesson that girls can't Captain starships. For further proof, I give you Captain Janeway.

Sewer Trout version:

They don't know - what's their sex
They got no friends
Vicious fish - trout with tits
And foot-long dicks

The Kirk That Killed Christmas
(by Ensign Baron von Grizman)

Gather 'round the christmas tree
Hear a tale of trekkers
The future of mankind
Not a bunch of peckers!

Sulu, Spock and Captain Kirk
Even Scotty knows
Yes, the doctor's named McCoy
But you can call him Bones

Chorus:
Star Fleet Noel
Go Straight to Hell
(repeat)

Stardate twentysomething
Christmas time again
Woohoo baby jesus
What in god's name?

Kirk stepped up to meet him
Socked him in the jaw
No more christmas, federation
Kirk's the only law!

Chorus

So Kirk killed christmas
Pissed off some jews as well
Beatin' god's no small feat
Who will tell the tale?

Celebrate the crew
You know their names
A bunch of fucking heroes
The Enterprise will reign

Chorus

merry christmas

Wearin' Red

Story Behind the Song

Those red suits must've really done something to piss off Roddenberry. Have I mentioned that our Cap'n Kirk hates Star Trek? He wrote the words on this one.

Lyrics

Walk the plank, put your heaad on the block
Too bad you wouldn't doff your jock
Jilted Gene and pissed off Spock
An open mouth, gagged with a sock.

Got a tunic colored red
See your death playing in my head
See you die on my tv screen
All because you jilted Gene

He's the boss with the hard tube steak
He signs the check, give him a break
Make it look like you're having fun
Your peg boy's life just begun

A little favor a real big guy
You don't wanna, so you have to die
A little whipping and a lot of head
You didn't do it; you're dead

Come on, put on that shirt
Shatner got his feelings hurt
Seems to always turn out this way
You didn't play so you have to pay

Tranya

Everyone loves the episode where a young
Clint Howard plays the alien booze hound with the voice of Lurch from the Adams Family.
Episode 3 - The Corbomite Maneuver

Lyrics

Ch: Give me some tranya, some tranya yeax x2
Give me some tranya, I want to get gone yeah
Give me some tranya, or was it the ganja

Pour the booze, cuz I got the shakes
Give me the sauce, how much more can I take?
Give me tranya cuz I lost control
The whole world looks like my toilet bowl

Chorus

Drank my whole check now there's none for the bills
Put in on my tab or I'll start on the pills
Pour the hard stuff, I'm getting the chills
Make it fast or your green blood will spill

Chorus

Set 'em up Joe, and don't ask why
Three shots of hooch or this grown man will cry
Give me some tranya or I'll rape your goat
Pour it soon or I'll open your throat

Vaal

From episode 38, The Apple. The natives of Gamma Trianguli VI feed the godlike Vaal.This song is slower, and I've heard it described as "kinda sorta that 60s-ish garagey-psychadelic kinda stuff almost."

Lyrics

Gonna ride, gonna climb, gonna slide
Down that big flagpole
Gonna buck, gonna suck
on that wide ---hole

It's not a dance
It doesn't gather food
And it doesn't serve Vaal

Hear the thunder from the sky
Terrifies both you and I

Gotta do it, hafta screw it
Cause nobody will
Gonna feed it cuz we need it
Lest the blood will spill

It's not a dance
It doesn't gather food
And it doesn't serve Vaal

Please, would you listen to me all
Don't you dare, don't you dare
Feed Vaal

T is For Tiberius
(Damn it Bones, I'm Serious)

Words by Von Grizz; music by Abe/McCoy/Expendable

I'm the cornfed boy from Iowa
Flyin' among the stars
picking up the green-skinned dames
In intergalactic bars

The youngest captain in history
I've never known defeat
Unless its' to a vulcan
In a state of heat

T is for Tiberious
Damnit Bones, I'm serious
T is for Tiberious
That's James Tiberious Kirk

I took the reins from captain Pike
That wheelchair-ridden bore
That gimp's now living an illusion
On forbidden Talus 4

Picard's a skinhead sissy
a well-read cultured frog
stupid no-good diplomat
I'll whip him like a dog

T is for Tiberious
Damnit Bones, I'm serious
T is for Tiberious
That's James Tiberious Kirk

I tamed the wild Mugatu
and taught him to play bass
Landed on the Nazi world
and crushed the master race

I slew the god Apollo
I spared the reptile Gorn
Romulans and Klingons hate me
I'm the object of their scorn

T is for Tiberious
Damnit Bones, I'm serious
T is for Tiberious
That's James Tiberious Kirk

Uhura

A love song for Nichelle Nichols

Lyrics

Uhura, Uhura, I just want you
Efficient competent at what you do
My tunic is red and my eyes are blue
Uhura, Uhura, what can I do

I don't want Nurse Chapel
or Yeoman Rand
I want your long nails
To caress my hand

My darling, my baby, I feel blue
Uhura, don't kill me
There's only you

Your breasts and your boots
and your dress so red
Intense lustful thoughts
They invade my head

Without your kind voice
I know I would die
Uhura, I love you
Don't make me cry

You've got me so crazy
My head's awhirl
You translate the tongues
Of a million worlds

Star Fleet Was A Gas

Starfleet was a gas I heard the other day
In the open graves where the Klingons lay
Life sure sucks when you're way out here
Stupid fucking Harry Mudd stole my beer

Fly the Enterprise far as she'll fly
Got photon torpedos; gonna make you die
Sleazy green skinned alien girl on my case
Type-one phaser emptied on her face

Heading off to Eden, gonna live on grass
Herbert Herbert Herbert you can kiss my ass
Heading off to Eden, gonna chew my cud
You ain't eating dinner if you ain't spilling blood

On a five year mission and I ain't having fun
Wanna shag Uhura with my big love gun
On the Bridge, an orgy while the Captain's gone
Tear up all our uniforms and get it on

Other songs:

Khan!
no kill i dot khan
Bonk! Bonk! On The Head
We Look For Things That Make Us Go (song about the Next Generation episode where retards fly around shooting guys 'cause it's funny - p.s. you're an asshole for thinking retards is funny)
Space!
Cap'n's Log (everyone needs a song about poo)