April 15, 2005
Turning Japanese
Yakuza, white slavery and Auckland drug addicts.
Yes, I know I'm way behind. I still have Australian stuff to talk about, so now I'm 3 countries behind. This is just a quick note saying I'm still alive.
I'm in Kumamoto, Japan. I left Auckland and in the last 12 hours before my plane took off: my newly purchased cell phone died (couldn't return it because the plane was leaving), I sold my car at a loss (the reason I had to buy a cell phone), it got broken into and had a window smashed. They took my digital camera and my dvcamcorder. I'll miss the pictures I took. I have a sty in my eye and then the place I bought the plane ticket from, screwed up and didn't actually get my ticket. So I had to spend another night in Auckland so I could've taken the phone back if I didn't sell the car.
I'm only bummed about the lost pictures. I hope the kiwi drug addict that broke into my car enjoys the shots of Bob Brown's Ducati single race bike, the penguins I saw on the beach, the Britten bike I saw, Doug and Matt gutting the deer that Doug shot, Burt Monro's Velocette and Indian, Nigel's friendly cat, Ed "Big Daddy" Roth's cars that I saw, the Horror Party pictures (Misfits influenced kiwi punk rock band), and the shots of the tattooed feet of Semp and Craig's feet.
I actually started taking way more pictures in New Zealand. I'll find another camera in Japan.
And speaking of Japan, yesterday I went with my friend Jay to the airport to pick up James, another friend of his. James flew in from England through Seoul, Korea. As we waited, yakuza started showing up.
I figured yakuza would keep a low profile like the mafia does in the US, but nope. They really stand out. There were 6 yakuza guys there spread out around the airport waiting for the international flights. I thought they were there to pick up a yakuza boss.
A couple of cute white girls walked through customs so I said hello. They laughed and talked in Russian then a yakuza came up and took them aside. He filled out visa stuff for them and Jay explained that it was Russian prostitutes coming into Japan and that the Korea mafia controlled a lot of the Japanese Yakuza (although the yakuza don't like to talk about that).
More cute Russian girls would get off the plane and more yakuza would greet them and take them aside to fill out paperwork. It was pretty crazy.
Other neat things about Japan is beer and sake vending machines. You can get sake sold in juice boxes complete with the straw. There's also porn vending machines I've heard, but I haven't seen those yet. And there's the wide-spread rumor of vending machines that sell used panties from high school girls. From what I've read, they used to exist but probably not anymore although there might be spots in Tokyo that have them.
When I saw Blade Runner, I thought the bleak future was someone's imagination. But it's not. Blade Runner is what Japan looks like. Tons of flashing neon signs and most building are super close and really tall. The streets are filled with salarymen in business suits who get drunk when they're off work instead of dying robots out looking to kill Harrison Ford.
Salarymen work 6 days a week and Saturday is supposed to be the big night. I can't wait to see that. There's tons of uniformed high school students around but some of the "high school girls" are hookers in their 20s and 30s who dress like school girls. I still haven't figured it out yet but Jay and Chikae can spot them and they point them out.
(this entry is closed for comments)
Posted by DaveSmith at April 15, 2005 11:57 AMAnother GREAT post! Sorry 'bout the pics. :-(
Posted by: at April 15, 2005 12:23 PMbummer 'bout your cam....and da car....gess crackheads are crackheads the world round....last time I saw Japan was 1958...every place in the world has changed since then......cul, dad
Posted by: the old man at April 15, 2005 12:33 PMNo crackheads in NZ. Probably smoking meth (they call it P). They make their own "heroin" out of codeine and photo developing equipment.
Posted by: Dave Smith at April 15, 2005 03:03 PMHey Dave,
I have to agree with the nameless guy. Great post!!
Too bad about the camera. I would have liked to seen pictures of the Yakuza showing the Russian girls how to fill out the visa.
I've been following all your posts but missed a critical one which helped to fill in the bit about the car etc. So you're coming back to CA for a while? Are you going to come back to the 'Net? Robert, DeeAnn, and Ed all left which sucks big time so it would be nice if you came back. Of course, the pay and work still sucks so I'm not holding my breath. Anyway, keep posting. I'm curious about your adventures (misadventures) in Japan.
BTW, I just recently watched Battle Royale. Stay away from those school kids. ;)
In the Shibuya district of Tokyo there's plenty of capsule hotels.
In the Roppongi district, there are bars where you can pay about the equivalent of $20 and then it's all the drinks you want for an hour, including mixed drinks and cocktails. They're usually strip clubs, though, and sometimes even "hostess clubs" where you can pay girls to sit and converse with you, but that's a service you can refuse while still taking advantage of the all-you-can-drink-for-an-hour. Or not; it's probably pretty interesting to find out how the mostly foreign girls wound up working in Japan as conversation-prostitutes.
There is one capsule hotel in Roppongi. Do not stay there. They do not accept foreigners but I accidentally broke a statue in the lobby (after a few hours of all-you-can-drink) and they let me stay until the owner showed up in the morning. I had to pay for the statue, and I got fleas at the hotel. It was terrible.
Buy an umbrella just so you can use the awesome umbrella-wrapping machines outside the department stores. And go to Akihabara, the electronics district.
Even if you don't stay in one, go to the Ikebukuro neighborhood and wander the little back alleys that are nothing but love hotels, just to look at them.
Posted by: SeanM at April 15, 2005 07:55 PMAW MAN !!!! Japan sounds GREAT. Not like Richmond. Richmond is where you get your car broken in to, like New Zealand. I like the part where 30 year old prostitutes dress up in school girl outfits. Our hookers look like, well, hookers. Oddly shaped bodies with fizzy black & purple hair sticking up and out. Bellies out to HERE. Funky clothes that just don't look quite right for the weather, hour or year.
I'm seeing good things happening in Japan. Not sure if you'll find a decent camera there or not ...
Yeah..I think you better give up looking for a camera in Japan. Aint gonna happen. Please write about the odd meat you get to eat there. Odd meat stories rule.
Posted by: SS at April 16, 2005 10:15 AMah.. .turning japanese... The Vapours.. (anyone have ANY idea what im talking about..?)
Dave , my seggestion is buy another camera, and take pics of 20+ year old japanese girls in school uniforms and post it for all of us to....
jesus.. did I just verbalise that thought????????
Posted by: Dave Lochead at April 18, 2005 07:12 PMhey.. i could help out with some pics from here when you were around, if that makes up for the lost camera fiasco..
you need only use the notorious "please"word in your sentence and its done.
Posted by: Dave Lochead at April 18, 2005 07:22 PMno sex no drugs no wine no women no fun no sin, um yeah, we know what yer talking about...and isn't pics of 20+ year old japanese girls in school uniforms what internet porn is all about? I'm just saying...
Posted by: Gina at April 19, 2005 04:20 PMah Gina.. great song....
however i wouldnt want to be seen to be encouraging Dave to take up internet porn as a new career direction... the thought of him naked on my computer screen makes me shudder in horror... its an experience that life would be the richer without... :-)
I agree with you, Mr. Lochead!
Posted by: at April 20, 2005 07:06 AM> ah.. .turning japanese... The Vapours.. (anyone
> have ANY idea what im talking about..?)
ummm, no. what is this strange jibber jabber of which you mention?
Posted by: tora_tora_tora at April 20, 2005 09:19 AM
Can you post some Japanland pics? I want to look at more foriegn crud.
How about this for scary? A picture of Dave in a japanese school girl uniform on your computer screen? Now that's truly pornographic (probably passes the test for obscene too)!!
:)
Posted by: Farmdog at April 21, 2005 09:18 AMyea click that to see dave in nippon cha cha cha.. http://japangets.com/chikae16.JPG
Posted by: jay at April 22, 2005 10:28 PMWhen is the baby due??? That's what I wanna know!
Posted by: Kizzy at April 23, 2005 05:33 AM
http://www.denverzoo.org/images/photos/gorilla_baby_diaper_feed_dp.jpg
"I want a doctor ... to take your picture ... so i can look at you from inside as well!"
Dave, if somebody had a small something they got at a clearance sale that they wanted to send you, is there an address in Japan where they could ship it to? And if so, could you email them that shipping address? (and by "them," i mean "me" -- if you don't have my addy, visit www.citizenlunchbox.com/contact.php ) Would your answer be any different if you knew the small something had absolutely nothing to do with monkeys?
If you have a chance to go see a band named Bleach, you might wanna! Saw them here in Chi last year & they rocked. But i guess to guys it doesn't really matter what they sound like, cuz they're all tiny Japanese girls.
Posted by: mishalunchbox at April 23, 2005 01:58 PMDave--
you missed another yakuza spotting--this morning i decided to stop at a store to get some bread and coffee.As i sat and enjoy my snack a car pulled up and 3 guys walked out.one of em stood outside and i noticed his hand was faintly tattooed..one finger had 3 dots in a form of a triangle and another finger with two lines like an equal sign...equal sign is japanese kanji for two but i have not figure out the triangle yet..the dude with tattoos was the driver..the other guys we`re sportin suits and gold eye glasses..oh--yeah BLEACH..awesome band from okinawa,japan!!!yep 3 little japanese girls that play crazy punk...okinawa that place that made the big bottle of liqour that you and dave wouldn`t touch...%30 content and of course you saw the results of what that can do!!my relatives left my a year supply of that for wedding presents!!my new old man fixed a mountain bike for me and i need to get up real early to be the only white monkey in kumamoto that will plow a field tommorrow.hope you enjoyed kyushu,horse meat and my drunk uncles/family....gambette jay
Pics, news, anything from you! How 'bout the train wreck? We wanna know what's goin on!
Posted by: at April 26, 2005 11:47 AMShinobu, Dave and I looked around for an internet cafe. Only they don't make much money in Tokyo so it's a porn shop internet cafe. I'm in a lockable room with a plushy chair with napkins and a huge tv and some sort of wet naps. Plus a dvd and vcr player. They opened up the computer to a porn site. Crazy. I didn't know how to say I just wanted to check my email but it's cheaper than paying for it in 10 minute sections at Dave & Shinobu's hotel. They also sell food and used schoolgirl panties if anyone's interested.
Posted by: Dave Smith at April 26, 2005 03:09 PMThanks, Deeann.
Posted by: Dave's Mom at April 28, 2005 09:21 AMDave, Get your a$$ back here NOW I'm pregers you bastard xxxx Finnae
Posted by: Finnae at April 28, 2005 02:49 PM
Yep, I remember the last time I told a bad joke.
HEY DAVE !!!
Here's what you need !!!
A 1957 Guzzi Dump truck, it's on ebay:
Item # 4545005319
Fully functional, runs fine.
Posted by: Dr. Biggles at April 29, 2005 04:59 AMkaren's violating internety rtyules neumber 1 duh
Posted by: karen and Bill at April 29, 2005 02:06 PMDave--
I hope your out today and seein the sights!!!Why?because it is the empourer "showa" birthday!!!omedeto tanjobi gozimasu hirohito!!!yep--it`s hirohito b-day..So you should see a gank of migi(right wing)trucks filled with yakuza and old folks in camo`s..About 20 large buses passed by the road to the left of our house/store.Of course i went out and waved a howdy ho and gave a "yoroshiku!!"..The amazing thing was they actually waved back to the goofy big gaijin that was about to laugh(i was thinkin i woild probably get my ass kicked).Also a drunk old man stopped them at the light trying to gain his balance while wavin too..well i gotta go teach engrish--- since it was the start of holidays--last nite i pounded some shuu-chu and beers watchin star wars II..gettin ready for numba III...hope tokyo is treatin all rite...
Well thank god I did some good in New Zealand and finally knocked Finnae up when no Kiwi could.
I'll pay you back, Oh Sweet Finnae with the Glorious Hooters and STD that was easily treated (at least for me and the other guys in line) right after New Zealand re-imburses me for the sty in my eye, the stolen digital camera (with great pics of stuff no one wants to see like Burt Monroe's house), the stolen camcorder (with live action footage of a blazing WWII scene where I ride in tank yelling "what?!" and telling the tank driver to both turn "right!" and "stop!" because I'm being told both at once), the money I lost on my bitchen' 86 Nissan, the broken cell phone, oh, and what else? Oh yeah, the 1965 Ducati motorcycle that's taking me around the world that the engine seized on the South Island.
Wait, those were repaid by Nigel Marx, Matt Bishop and Doug Lee -- the people on Horizons Unlimited; by the Deer Farmer; by Lee and April (two of Nigel's loved ones); by Dave, Christine and Casey Lockhead (especially Dave because he's named Dave); Brownie, Mike and Hamish; and by Phil, Craig, Semp and Slammy.
Oh yeah, even with the problems I had in NZ, it was more than made up for the friendly people I met. How's that for the A Number One kiss-ass thing that no one expected me to say? Especially Pat the Embittered Aussie.
I was thinking, and I f-ed up. I can adjust tappets but the one on the Ducati singles, I wanted to find out how to adjust them without the timing wheel. So sorry, Pat the Hopping Mad Aussie, I made a mistake. I can adjust tappets, but I did want to know how to adjust the Duc ones. I'll make another apology when I put up my next post.
Posted by: Dave Smith at April 29, 2005 11:41 PMGosh, honey. Those vending machines sound wonderful. You could make a bundle off selling the women's panties you enjoy wearing.
Posted by: Mrs. Smith at April 30, 2005 05:03 AMAH! So I've heard! About the women's undergarments, I mean. Selling them here in the states could make you some serious dough. Dave, you could put the vending machine up in front of your house when you get back...OH WAIT! You're not gonna have a house to live in when you get back. Well, you can put it up in front of your mom's house then. You can save up the quarters you get to pay for your return trip to Japan. That's gonna take a long time, but I'll be worth it I'll bet!
Posted by: John Stamos at April 30, 2005 05:49 AMYou can surely put them up in front of my house, little prince. But don't let your new business distract you from your chores. I can't quite reach some areas when applying my anti-cellulite cream.
Posted by: Mrs. Smith at April 30, 2005 06:39 AMDave has a wife?
Posted by: Tina Majorino at April 30, 2005 06:52 AMYes. So back off, whore.
Posted by: Mrs. Smith at April 30, 2005 06:58 AMWHAT? I don't believe a word that's coming out of your heathen mouth for one second. Dave's christian. He would never, ever be married to filth like you. Besides, I saw him at the Gaither, Gilbert and Gillian gospel review before he left and he didn't say shit about having a wife! So he's fair game...JEZEBEL!!
Posted by: TMJ at April 30, 2005 07:10 AMIf you know him so well, I challenge you to describe his penis.
Posted by: Mrs. Smith at April 30, 2005 07:14 AMDescribing Dave's man wee-wee would be like describing the lords member. IMPOSSIBLE! Besides,
if you're a real christian, like me, you wouldn't be concerned about the size of Dave's glistening man wand. What you should really be worried about is the enourmas amount of love in his heart for the lord and his fellow christians.
nan-sai desu-ka? i have seen blade runner and you don't know what it is you talking about. why too many of you white boys come to japan is disgusting to me. please, go find some school girl's panties and tell all your friends. adn then GO HOME! please!!!! japan has enough men to prowl in bars without more from western europe.love and other indoor sports, Kuko
Posted by: kuko at April 30, 2005 08:46 AMI read what you say about yakuza and my bust start to tremble with shame. My father is yakuza and they very peaceful man. Much like butterfly or muskrat. You are nothing but stupid american retard who come to our country and invade our toilet with stinky american turd.
Posted by: Akinashu at April 30, 2005 09:43 AMMy dad & mother is yakuza too..there pretty nice feed dave smith all nice and good...
Posted by: Jay at April 30, 2005 10:49 AMGolly gee-whillikers. If I brought back a vending machine, it'd be the beer and sake one. But I'd rather bring back the game where an elf fights giant beetles.
I'm not here looking for schoolgirl's panties. I think the "schoolgirl" in the picture was about 35. They outlawed the actual schoolgirl panty vending machines when Japan made it illegal a few years ago.
I'm also one of the rare guys who doesn't have a thing for lesbian porn or Asian girls. Give me a nice Mexican pepperpot!
And like Jay said, all the yakuza I've met have been great! Just like the American mafia members I've met back in the states.
Posted by: Dave Smith at April 30, 2005 12:51 PMDave, are you married to your mom? And how do you know John Stamos? Don't tell me you're stalking cast members of FULL HOUSE too?!?
Posted by: mishalunchbox at April 30, 2005 03:26 PMhey-
your whiskey has left me joy since you left.i throw a little bit in my coffee every day--so thanks.also i found vegemite here in kumamoto..should i buy it??it was next to salsa/tortilla chips--so i found the holy grail of stores in kumamoto--cheap too...with cold negra modelo..hey!!have you braved yourself into ordering food yet???i hope your not eating out of machines...
Howdy Jay! Usually I point at something on the menu or use the Point & Speak phrase book. If you try the vegemite, spread it really thin. Americans spreading it on thick is a main reason it didn't catch on. And it's an acquired taste. I gave the Tokyo Confidential book to Kei. I finally randomly ran into someone I know. His wife is 7 or 8 months pregnant with a boy.
Citizen Misha, I'm married to John Stamos's mom. Didn't you know that?
I'm off to Ueno to kill a replicant, and to sleep with an electric sheep.
Posted by: Dave (again) at April 30, 2005 04:39 PMHey everyone! Speaking of car "trouble", anyone in the Sac area have a cheap car for sale or know someone who does? Our's went a missing last night (not by our choice).
If so, perferably automatic 'cause Lurch can't drive stick. Man, this kind of sucks. But if someone could help us out, please email me at deeann321 at gmail.com
Thanks!
DeeAnn
Or if ya happen to see ours anywhere around, it's a blue (kind of tealish blue with a beige pinstripy thing on the sides) 2000 Toyota Corolla 4-door sedan with a dent by the hood on the drivers side where an SUV ran over it a bit (person was driving backwards) a couple of days ago. The rear headrests have leopard spotted headreast covers (that are probably gone by now) Lic# (removed). If you happen to see it parked somewhere could you call the cops?
Posted by: deeann at May 1, 2005 12:51 AMAnd sorry for the blog-jack, Dave.
Posted by: deeann at May 1, 2005 06:56 AMThis is the gayest blog ever. You and your schoolgirl panty fetish is getting old and boreing. I'd much rather go file the corns off my toes.
Posted by: Tina at May 1, 2005 09:38 AMWhy no, Dave, i did not know that you were married to John Stamos' mom. As long as Bob Saget isn't involved, i am appeased.
He isn't, is he?
Posted by: mishalunchbox at May 1, 2005 03:31 PMsorry Deanne... my Sac area is quit large, but not big enough to store a car in....
just thought since everyone else in this thread is stooping, so would I.. :-)
Posted by: Dave Lochead at May 1, 2005 03:53 PMI'm impressed!!!!! :D
Posted by: deeann at May 2, 2005 05:27 AMSmith, I think you have got to post another section. Things have begun to get very strange here. I miss the Duc and the travels. Deeann, I'll look for the Toyota here in New York. You just never know.
Besides--used girl undiepants and drinking.We all ventured to mount Aso & Nagaski.Ate horse meat and watch Dave drool at motorcycles.From the way Dave act at seeing of these bikes in japan.I would think japan would be a Gearhead heaven(in some type)...So Dave we`re all waiting on your take of the far east.I hope you have not forgotten about my uncle the Ed Hunter of japan....
I was just wonderin'......at what point does a molehill become a mountain???????
Posted by: the old man at May 3, 2005 11:15 AMI think that threshold has been breached. Repeatedly.
Posted by: mishalunchbox at May 3, 2005 02:37 PMHow ya doing?! Damned Jaffas! Damn them to hell for stealing your camera and the piccie of Vlad the friendly cat!
Posted by: Slammy at May 3, 2005 07:32 PMOur car was recovered last night! Lurch is getting it from impound right now.
Posted by: deeann at May 8, 2005 06:12 AM