The Healing Powers of Light
It was the early in the mornin' and I was out like a light when the phone
rang. It was a damn saleslady, "Hello Mr. "Smith." My name
is Becca Fiala and today is your lucky day. I'm calling to inform you
that you have won a 50" teevee, a fabulous fur coat, or a food processor.
All you need to do is bring Mrs. "Smith" and listen to a brief
two hour presentation on vacation opportunities at the stunningly fabulous
NAACO West Resort." Irritated at being woken up I said yes just to
shut her up. She scheduled an appointment, and I assured her I'd be there.
About two weeks later the phone
rang, it was Becca calling to ask why I missed my appointment and such
a wonderful opportunity. I said I'd forgotten about it so she asked if
I would reschedule. Her temptation of, "They'll be free coffee and
donuts!" was too much for me to pass up, so I promised to make the
When I missed that one Becca
called me again. I said I'd fallen off the wagon after 3 months, 11 days
of sobriety and had been to drunk to do anything, but I had since talked
to my 12 step partner and everything was OK now. I apologized and rescheduled.
About 20 minutes later her supervisor
called and asked if everything was all right because there must be something
wrong with me to pass up a wonderful offer like this. I told her I had
everything straightened out, and me and The Missus were looking forward
to being there. I'm sure they figured they'd hooked a live one.
When I missed that one I assumed
they write me off as a hopeless flake and would stop calling. Well, Becca
called one more time. I knew when the person on the phone asked for Mr.
"Smith" that it was the evil NAACO West Resort bastards calling
to pester me some more. Ain't no one that calls me "Mister."
"Hello, May I speak to
Mr. David "Smith" please," asked Becca innocently.
"WHO ARE YOU!!? WHAT KIND
OF MONSTER IS THIS!!?"
"Uh, this is Becca Fiala
at NAACO West Resorts."
"IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE
FUNNY!!? WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!?"
"Umm...I was calling because
Mr. "Smith" missed his appointment with us."
"JESUS CHRIST!! IF I FIND
OUT WHO IN THE HELL YOU ARE I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN IF IT'S THE LAST THING
I DO. I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE IF THIS IS SOME SORT OF JOKE!"
"Uhh...I don't quite understand
what's going on. This call is for real."
"ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T
SOME TWISTED IDEA OF A JOKE? BECAUSE IF IT IS, I'M GONNA..."
"No, I'm serious. My name
is Becca Fiala and I'm calling from NAACO West Resorts."
"Look, if you're on the
level then I'm sorry but I swear if it isn't..."
"Listen you ghoul,"
I said sounding dead serious. "My brother and his wife died in a
car wreck on their way up to that godforsaken hellhole." Then I covered
up the phone because I was giggling.
"Oh my God. Oh God. I'm
very, very sorry. I'm sorry...my God."
At this point her voice was
getting pretty shaky and she was about to cry. I had pushed things too
far just to say "I'm just jerking your chain--SUCKER!" So I
"Well you should be sorry
because if I find out this is a joke..."
"No, oh my God I'm sorry...please...We
won't bother you ever again. I'm very sorry."
I could hear it in her voice
that the water works had started, so I asked her to please leave me in
peace and to never call again. I wonder sometimes if that made her quit,
or if it just made her a more cynical telemarketer.