The Almighty Peep Off FAQ


I won't talk to any radio stations or other media within 3 hours of Sacramento. I don't want a bunch of jerks showing up, and I'm not going to move the Peep Off to a park and get a permit. If you want to talk to me, my number is 916/307-3607 (current as of 3/11/2009). I don't mind being woken up to talk about Peeps. Feel free to call anytime.

Early morning call from KHOP out of Modesto:

Radio Monkey, "So I want to interview you about the Peep Off".

Me, "Nope, sorry. I won't talk to radio stations that are within a 3 hour drive".

Radio Monkey, "Oh yeah, why not?".

Me, "I don't want a bunch of jerks showing up."

Monkey getting surly , "Nice attitude" and he hung up.




What's the Rules of the Peep Off?

You have 30 minutes to eat 'em, and then there's a 5 minute "cooling off period" to see if anyone is going to puke 'em up. I think everyone should drink Pabst, but Dennis washed 'em down with Diet Pepsi, and Vicki The Peep Queen, washed 'em down with rum. If you puke, you have to eat the puked Peeps to stay eligible (as done by Beercan Dick Hansen in 1998 after puking a Peep onto my head).

Who's eaten the most amount of Peeps?

Dennis Gross ate 102 of 'em in 2003. Everyone always says, "I can beat that" but it's impossible.

So Dennis a big fat guy?

He's not a big guy. He's looks just like the Japanese kid on Glutton Bowl who ate 33 hot dogs in 5 minutes. He's just a tiny well muscled little boy.

Kobayahshi's record was 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes.


This is about the time dj's say something "witty" like "Say there's a guy named Tom there -- do you call him a Peeping Tom?" Then I say "hardy har har" or a nice Ed McMahon "heyoooo". Complain as I do, I don't mind talking to them though (I also like talking to crazy homeless people too).

So what happened to Dennis Gross? It says here he has typhus from swimming in the Mississippi River.

Yeah, that's what happened. One smart radio monkey said, "Hey, isn't typhus a flea born disease". So I said "yeah, he got bit in the head by a squirrel after he got out of the river".

What do you do for a living?

I recycle blenders. I'm a talking head for Fox news. I'm a professional furry. I'm a deejay and I work in the booth next to you. I dress as Hello Kitty and stand on street corners. I ranch sea-monkeys. I'm the King of Iran.

How long have you been doing this?

Since 1997. Lurch at work was seeing how many Peeps who could stick in his mouth, and I was looking up Peeps on the internet. I found a Peep Off site done by Jack Eidsness on the East Coast. I sent him fan mail, so he listed me on his site as the contact guy in Sacramento. I wasn't planning on having a Peep Off, but I thought it was funny that he listed me, so I did.

What's your favorite part of the Peep Off?

I like getting liquored up and going to the store and clearing their shelves of Peeps. It's held after Easter because for $30 you can buy 2,000 Peeps.

What are Peeps made of?

Marshmallow, sugar and tar for the eyes.

So you really like Peeps.

No, I can't stand them. Although, I can eat more of them since I started throwing them up. They taste even better coming up (like puking watermelon and cucumber). I don't mind them frozen though.

You should get the company that makes Peeps to sponsor you.

Yeah, that'll work. Hey Just Born, send me free Peeps. A bunch of drunks are planning on eating them until they throw up. We're making you famous.

Do you always dress like Peepzilla?

No, that was my costume for 2002. I made it out of papermache. A giant pink Peep with spikes on the back like Godzilla. I blew fire when I had it on.

Pink, eh? So you're gay.

Nope, sorry. I just think it's funnier being pink. At the first Peep Off I grew out a Hitler mustache and was Adolph Peepler. That doesn't make me a nazi. I also call the white Peeps "Aryan Peeps". Me being a mud-race (half hillbilly, half Portuguese) wouldn't make me a very good Nazi. Although they did have the Muslim Bosnians with the SS fez. Who knew Genocidal Germans had a sense of humor? They're the Shriners of the Moderne Age!

What's the winner get?

Previous prizes have been: a bottle of Night Train and a date with Jason Patrone, a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, a 5 pound bag of sugar, and a 99 cent bottle of Chinese wine. Lately, well since PO-X, they've been super great paintings by Marletta.

Okay, we'll call you after the Peep Off and see how it went.

They all say that, and they never call. It keeps me up nights.

Updated 3-11-09 by Dave "Smith". Man, what a made up name, but John Doe was already taken....

Maxim magazine